As 2012 winds to a close, we begin to look back at the year and some of its most poignant moments. Let’s not linger on all the bummer stuff like the Syrian civil war and the divisive US presidential campaign, and instead breeze past to this July, when a 30-something Korean man demonstrated an unsettling and provocative dance to the world. And when I say the world, I mean the entire freaking world. “Gangnam Style” has been viewed by an estimated 700 million billion people to date, and that’s how many minds were subjected to PSY’s horsie dance. You know the one: pursed lips, crossed hands, awful bouncing leg movements.
In the wake of this video, some were concerned that this inappropriate form of undulation would infect so many minds that countless billions would be left fearful and emotionally scarred. But alas, the danger has already swept the planet. Now it’s more a matter of damage control, bringing the warped minds of the masses back.
In an effort to prevent people from actually engaging in the PSY-dance, this how-to offers an external outlet for having it seared onto your brain. If you make a little tiny paper PSY, you can transfer all the ill behavior to it, leaving your own soul clean as a 휘파람으로 부르다.
For full, detailed instructions go here.
For this project, you’ll need a printer, the internet, thick paper, scissors, glue, and a ruler. If you’re a grownup and don’t have these things on hand, steal a backpack from an elementary school kid, as he or she will likely have all or most of this stuff in there.
Let’s do this.
First go here and download the PSY Machine. Print that ish. Take an exacto knife and cut along the dotted lines. There are a few tips I could give you to make this clean and smooth, but I don’t want to help too much because your mini-PSY should be a representation of you and your craft skills. Do what you’re gonna do, I’ll judge you later.
Now use the same basic instructions-following skills and fold up the blazer, which should be easy if you remember how to stitch a blazer, which I’m sure we all got into at some point in college. Ugh, that was a turbulent time for me personally, but hopefully you have better memories of it. Relive them now.
Now put the jacket on mini-PSY, which should be easy if you remember what you learned at that coat-check you worked at. Strangely, it was the best job you ever had, but you’d never admit that. Relive it now.
Now use some glue to attach your jacketed PSY to his little platform. This should be relatively easy considering all your experience at the fake gallows at the renaissance fair. God, you were such a loser. But really, that was the only time in your life when you felt like you had real friends. Revisit them now.
There. You made a paper PSY that does the awful horsie dance. Are you happy? You damn well should be. You can finally exercise the dance demon that entered your mind and body back in mid-July, several times in late July, fewer times in August and September, and then at least three dozen times in October and November. So the next time you’re standing in line at the bank and you feel that itch in your legs that can only mean that the horsie dance is coming on, pull out this little dude and yank his chain a few times. You’ll be alright.