In most video games, you get to have a weapon. Something you can slay the zombie hordes with, or brutalize the skulls of aliens, shoot down legions of enemy soldiers, kill innocent people, knock Mario off his kart, or debilitate anyone who gets in your way. It’s the kind of mindless violence that video games do so well, which is one of the reasons why we love them.
And to help people down the ages let rip and unleash hell video game developers have come up with some incredibly inventive, and gruesome, weapons for players to mow down those digitised foes. They’ve also come up with some howlers too, ones that must’ve been put there to test our patience or as some kind of inside joke. So, let’s lock and load and countdown some of the best and some of the worst.
RC-P90 – GoldenEye 007
One of the greatest FPS games of all time had a truck load of weapons to choose from. Everyone has a favourite, but for sheer firepower the RC-P90 rules the roost. It can shoot through doors and, in multiplayer, in amongst the throng of its 80-bullet magazine being emptied, you could just about hear your buddy moaning about how unfair it is as you blast them into next week.
Gravity Gun – Half Life 2
Another game with shit loads of weapons to choose from, but this one lets you pick up immoveable objects and hurl them at your enemies. It’s a bit like being a god or the Emperor from Star Wars.
Red Shell – Mario KartM
The red shell, what a joyous weapon it is. When you get one your hands start sweating with excitement as you look at the swine who’s in front of you and fire away. The sense of satisfaction as they skid off screen is immense.
Laptop Gun – Perfect Dark
It may look like a laptop but it unfolds to become a submachine gun which is pretty badass. But that’s not all, it can also be deployed in sentry gun mode which means you can throw it and stick it to a wall, sit back, and watch it do all the hard work.
These win the award for most zany and there’s too many to mention really but here’s a few: Super Banana Bomb (below), Carpet Bomb, Super (and Aqua) Sheep, Patsy’s Magic Bullet, Inflatable Scouser, Armageddon.
Iron Man’s Proton Cannon – Marvel Vs Capcom
Biggest. Gun. Ever. Its size is ridiculous but therein lies its appeal.
Cerebral Bore – Turok 2
About as gruesome as it gets, this weapon does exactly what its name implies—it bores into the heads of whoever it’s fired at, mashes their brains up, then explodes.
And Some Of The Worst:
The Prod – Worms
Your worm produces a small pink appendage, that one would like to assume is a hand, and prods an enemy a minute amount in one direction. Good for nothing unless your adversary is already teetering perilously on the edge of a precipice, as in the video below. Then it’s actually pretty awesome.
Klobb – GoldenEye 007
The Klobb was just weak, it was sluggish and inaccurate and you’d be better off staring smothering someone to death with love.
The Knife – Resident Evil 4
Only resorted to when all ammo has been depleted but, seriously, what good is this against the oncoming hoards of the undead!?
Bunch of Flowers – GTA IV
Amusing the first time you slap someone around the face with them, but not the kinda heat you want to be packing going up against the SAPD.
Brass Knuckles – Doom
Why use these when you can pick up the chainsaw and start mutilating people with that? May as well lick your enemies to death instead.
Giant’s Knife – The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
It may be more powerful than the Master Sword, but it must have some shoddy workmanship because it breaks after only a few hits. Major fail.
Blue Shell – Mario Kart Wii
This is a hateful weapon because it’s just so unfair. You’re out front leading the pack them some schmuck-on-wheels comes along who’s riding in last place and knocks you from your top spot. Fury ensues and it’s the cat sat at your feet that’s going to suffer.
No doubt there’s many that I’ve missed, so let’s hear what they are!