Taiwanese CG Reenactments Of The News Are What's Missing From Our News Coverage

We’re not normally ones for gossip or celebrity rubbernecking, but when we came across the above CG animated clip depicting Drake and Chris Brown’s recent spat at a club in lower Manhattan, we just couldn’t help ourselves. You’ve seen these before. The CG reenactments from Taiwan’s NMA News are a welcome source of unbridled speculation on the hilarity of unaccounted-for news items.

The above reenactment of the Drake-Brown conflict had Drake in a wheelchair, pinning on him the Degrassi days he will likely never live down, and depicts the love triangle between the two rappers and Rihanna, the object of their dispute, playing out in a handicapped-unfriendly movie theater. Now THAT’s news. So far, the only feat of revolutionary technology American news has pulled off was a “hologram” of Will.i.am during the 2008 election which hasn’t been seen since, likely because it’s been taken out by the Tupac hologram from Coachella.

Nightly News at 10 could use more of this. To prove our point, we compiled some other groundbreaking coverage from the past few years to show American audiences just what they’re missing. Let’s dive in.

The Tiger Woods Car Accident

This was the accident that set off Tiger Woods’ downfall in 2010. The reenactment, using some fuzz on the edges of the screen as a buffer from what may have actually happened, shows Woods getting righteously bitch-slapped by his wife, Elin Nordegren, who then chases his car down the street wielding (zing!) a golf club. Perfect explanation for the isolated incident. No explanation, however, for the subsequent barrage of news on Woods’ marital indiscretions… Let’s see that bitch-slap one more time. Fore!

Jay Leno vs. Conan O’Brien

Probably the most succinct visual breakdown of the whole time slot conflict NBC sparked between Conan O’Brien and Jay Leno. For non-Chinese speakers, it all makes sense until Conan turns into the Hulk, Leno turns into some sort of Leno-themed superhero, NBC turns into Captain America, and Jimmy Fallon jumps right in dressed in the usual late night host attire. Then the people of America, all dressed in BAPE sweatshirts (because we all wear those), take to the streets swinging their fists in support of one side or the other.

Steve Jobs as Darth Vader

This 2010 video was retitled with “We will miss animating you” following Steve Jobs’ death last year. The action is pretty hard to follow, so we’ll just condense it into one equally incoherent sentence. Something called iCrap goes on sale, so Steve Jobs has a lightsaber battle with Bill Gates, who is Darth Vader, but then Jobs wins so he becomes Darth Vader and attacks Jason Chen from Gizmodo, right after which he personally works at a genius bar where iPhone users are chained to AT&T logos, which Jobs fixes by cutting off one patron’s fingers to improve his phone service.

Sarah Palin’s 2012 Election Big

Though this never actually materialized, that didn’t stop NMA News from having plenty of fun with it. Depicting the 2008 election as a battle between two helicopters, from which Palin is firing machine guns at bears running for their lives below. We see Palin jump ship to start her own presidential campaign, followed by more machine guns firing, smoking joints with her husband Todd, and then delving into her flub of making up the word “refudiate,” which caused Shakespeare to rage around, full of sound and fury. It’s nice to know that the idiocy of American politics entertains even those it doesn’t affect.

SNOOKI

Just the name says it all. That and the echoing sound of a bitch-slap. Yes, there is a pattern here of the types of stories selected for animation. Physical attacks are a perfect fit, and figurative attacks always end up being illustrated as physical ones. One of the best things about this one is the depiction of a group of American dudes hanging out on a couch and being all, “Dude, duuuude,” and watching Jersey Shore. If we had to guess, that is far too narrow an example of the vast demographics entertained by the show.

The Disgruntled JetBlue Flight Attendant

This reenactment certainly won’t garner any sympathy for Steven Slater, who in 2010 flipped out over the intercom on an airplane and exited the plane via the emergency slide. Doesn’t sound as crazy as the others? Give it a chance. There’s a bitch-slap from an inanimate object in there.

Know of any other hilarious CG reenactments? Drop a link in the comments below!

@ImYourKid