This article was originally published on Noisey UKThe hipster is dead. He choked to death on a hemp burger after refusing the Heimlich manoeuvre because he'd read somewhere that Dr Heimlich wasn't vegan. Since then, so many disparate trends have risen to fill the void. Nu-bros, normcore couples, health goths, yuccies, cutesters, and many more cultural tribes have formulated and grown, all seemingly united under a very vague idea of being cool. But if each one of them is totally different, yet all think they are cool, then how do you define cool? What is 'cool' anymore? Am I cool? Are you cool? Is Noisey cool? Is my dad cool? Thereâs a small pigeon nibbling on a discarded artisan pastry outside the cafe where I write thisâis he cool? Or has the idea of cool in 2016 finally and entirely expunged definition? Is it simply some sort of invisible force of nature, like quantum physics or Kevin Bacon in Hollow Man?Irrelevant, desperate and out-of-touch, I think about what cool meant to me growing up. It was Vince LaSalle sending a kickball into outer space, Joey Jordison on a double-bass pedal, Duke Nukem in a pair of shades with a gun, thrusting. Being cool used to be so pure, and so honest; it wasn't based on how many cactus plants you owned or the regularity at which you shared cropped pictures on a photo service. So how do you describe being cool in this post-hipster, post-ironic reality of Guardian thinkpieces, Evening Standard trend guides, and ready to be scaled markets of social capital? What is on-trend?The only way I was going to find out was by embedding myself within the annual gathering of Londonâs youth culture, the Field Day music festivalâan event known for the sort of tastemaking, trendsetting patronage that advertising executives dedicate entire marketing spends to trying to understand. As a place where dreams are born and Snapchatted in seconds, the festival is an ideal venue for embarking on a mission of cool discovery. So I strapped on my worst pair of socks and headed into the damp, waterlogged land of Field Day to ask the youth of today the big question. Come on, cool people of cool Field Day. Tell me: what is fucking cool?!Noisey: Man, what is even cool in 2016?
Center, right: Short length trousers.Oh, OK. Does that mean hobbits are in vogue?
Just wear what you want, innit?So, if you had to pinpoint a definitively on-trend and cool person, who would it be?
Myself.What makes you cool?
Originality.Cool.Hey! What's cool?
Center, left: When I was 12 years old, I read in the Times Magazine that rolling cigarettes was the epitome of cool. Then I started smoking. Every time I roll a cigarette, I think of that article and how cool I am.Thatâs the coolest thing you can do?
Itâs not the coolest thing I can do. Iâm just reminded of it as the concept of cool.Judging by your post-wacky-CBBC-presenter outfit, you seem well versed in the seminars of being cool. How do you become cool?
Left: Wear things that are ahead of the time. Thatâs cool. Center, left: Cool is when I bought a pair of Adidas trainers in secondary school and was so embarrassed that I cried and threw them away. Only now are they cool! I was cool in year 8 before anyone knew it. Right: She was not cool, I was in her Science class. I can vouch for her not being cool. Cool is not caring. So stop worrying what other people think, wash your glitter off your fucking face and just have a good time.Hey guys. Across the shifting, varied plains of this ever-changing universe, who is the coolest person you can think of?
Girlfriend: My boyfriend. Boyfriend: Andre 3000. Girlfriend: What?!I always thought Bubble from Big Brother Two was cool. What do you think of the word âhipsterâ now? Are we post-hipster?
B: Itâs got to the point where itâs so saturated now. I remember when they said skinny jeans was cool. But nowadays everybody wants to rock the whole outdated Hollyoaks style. G: It used to be underground, coolâit used to be niche.Whatâs the next step then?
B: For me, cool is King Krule, Jessie James, Rejjie Snow and that kind of genre. Death Grips and that, you know? The crossover to underground.So underground is cool?
Underground is cool.So, are mole people cool?
G: What are mole people?They live underground.
B: Iâm from Cornwall, and we pick coal from underground. So obviously I think thatâs pretty cool.Hey, whatâs cool?
Girl: Films! Weâre all talking about films.Whatâs the coolest film youâve ever watched?
Pulp Fiction.What makes Pulp Fiction cool?
Itâs stylized. Itâs done by a director who is like, really, really involved with the canon. Heâs produced something original, yet harks back to a lot of other great directors. Itâs bloody and quite sensationalist.How would you channel that film into day-to-day life to make yourself cooler at Field Day?
Well every single character in that is an individual. So I think that you should take from that to become your own person, and be a fully-fledged human being.
Boy: Everyone in this field, deep down, thinks theyâre cool. And objectively, if you think youâre cool, if youâre trying to be cool, youâre not cool.Do you care if youâre cool?
Absolutely, yeah. But I think self-awareness and self-reflectivity, in a film like Tarantinoâs, thatâs cool. But if youâre self-aware in real life then youâre not cool, ever.So is like, a tennis ball, completely unaware, travelling through the air pretty cool?
Yeah, thatâs pretty cool.What are you doing?
Right: Weâre chill, man.Is being chill the new cool?
Donât know. Not really, sort of, I guess. Yeah, itâs cool. Itâs relaxing.Is Antarctica cool?
It depends on the context, doesnât it? In terms of temperature, yeah. But like, in terms of things to do. Itâs not cool, no.So being cold isnât cool?
You can be cold because itâs cool, but being cold isnât cool.
Friend: Fuck. Thatâs great, man.Youâre really, really tall and, if life has taught me anything, itâs that tall people are cool.
Tall man: Well, there are two perceptions of cool. What people think is cool, and what is cool for you. Me for example: Iâm actually a massive dork. But I love being a massive dork, so it kind of works for me. But people who donât know me see me and think, "That guy is so tall. He must be cool."But yeah, you must be. Tall people are the shit.
Nah, itâs just a thing. I just woke up one morning and was like "Woah, growth spurt." Then I was mad tall. But donât talk to me about cool, because Iâm not! Go and find Skepta, heâs the epitome of cool. Despite having the biggest Fifa playing, YouTube video-making dork brother, heâs really cool. If youâre doing something you love, youâre cool.What about a man rampantly pushing a trolley around a supermarket and loving it, is he cool?
I donât know whether thatâs cool, or psychotic. Why would you do that?Heâs obsessed with Supermarket Sweep.
Oh, then yes. Very cool man.So, Supermarket Sweep is cool?
Was that ever in doubt?I donât think so.Where can I find cool at Field Day?
Lady with the pink hair: Dean Blunt is about to play, heâs cool.What other bands are cool?
DIIV were really good. Skepta was fucking cool, but the sound was shit. Weâre going to try and see Dean Blunt.Whatâs the cool thing to do when youâre watching a band though?
Just like stand, listen to them, start dancing if youâre into it. Maybe start break dancing? I donât know, Iâm not cool.But if youâre not cool and donât want to be cool, doesnât that make you cool?
That doesnât make sense. Why are you asking us if weâre cool?I thought you looked on-trend and could explain to me how to be cool in this new and daring age of modernity.
No, you know what, Iâm sick of this mentality. Everyone says âyouâre a hipster!â Iâm not a fucking hipster! I just know what I want to fucking wear and I fucking wear it, and I know what I want to fucking do and I fucking do it. Nobodyâs trying to be fucking cool, just be who you are! Who fucking cares, man? Friend in hood: I think this is exactly what they wanted. Lady with the pink hair: I donât give a fuck, Iâm fucked.Where can I find cool then at Field Day?
Shoved up your fucking arse.OK, I think I've got it.You can find Oobah Butler on Twitter.
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Center, right: Short length trousers.Oh, OK. Does that mean hobbits are in vogue?
Just wear what you want, innit?
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Myself.What makes you cool?
Originality.Cool.
Center, left: When I was 12 years old, I read in the Times Magazine that rolling cigarettes was the epitome of cool. Then I started smoking. Every time I roll a cigarette, I think of that article and how cool I am.Thatâs the coolest thing you can do?
Itâs not the coolest thing I can do. Iâm just reminded of it as the concept of cool.Judging by your post-wacky-CBBC-presenter outfit, you seem well versed in the seminars of being cool. How do you become cool?
Left: Wear things that are ahead of the time. Thatâs cool. Center, left: Cool is when I bought a pair of Adidas trainers in secondary school and was so embarrassed that I cried and threw them away. Only now are they cool! I was cool in year 8 before anyone knew it. Right: She was not cool, I was in her Science class. I can vouch for her not being cool. Cool is not caring. So stop worrying what other people think, wash your glitter off your fucking face and just have a good time.Hey guys. Across the shifting, varied plains of this ever-changing universe, who is the coolest person you can think of?
Girlfriend: My boyfriend. Boyfriend: Andre 3000. Girlfriend: What?!I always thought Bubble from Big Brother Two was cool. What do you think of the word âhipsterâ now? Are we post-hipster?
B: Itâs got to the point where itâs so saturated now. I remember when they said skinny jeans was cool. But nowadays everybody wants to rock the whole outdated Hollyoaks style. G: It used to be underground, coolâit used to be niche.
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B: For me, cool is King Krule, Jessie James, Rejjie Snow and that kind of genre. Death Grips and that, you know? The crossover to underground.So underground is cool?
Underground is cool.So, are mole people cool?
G: What are mole people?They live underground.
B: Iâm from Cornwall, and we pick coal from underground. So obviously I think thatâs pretty cool.
Girl: Films! Weâre all talking about films.Whatâs the coolest film youâve ever watched?
Pulp Fiction.What makes Pulp Fiction cool?
Itâs stylized. Itâs done by a director who is like, really, really involved with the canon. Heâs produced something original, yet harks back to a lot of other great directors. Itâs bloody and quite sensationalist.How would you channel that film into day-to-day life to make yourself cooler at Field Day?
Well every single character in that is an individual. So I think that you should take from that to become your own person, and be a fully-fledged human being.
Boy: Everyone in this field, deep down, thinks theyâre cool. And objectively, if you think youâre cool, if youâre trying to be cool, youâre not cool.Do you care if youâre cool?
Absolutely, yeah. But I think self-awareness and self-reflectivity, in a film like Tarantinoâs, thatâs cool. But if youâre self-aware in real life then youâre not cool, ever.So is like, a tennis ball, completely unaware, travelling through the air pretty cool?
Yeah, thatâs pretty cool.
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Right: Weâre chill, man.Is being chill the new cool?
Donât know. Not really, sort of, I guess. Yeah, itâs cool. Itâs relaxing.Is Antarctica cool?
It depends on the context, doesnât it? In terms of temperature, yeah. But like, in terms of things to do. Itâs not cool, no.So being cold isnât cool?
You can be cold because itâs cool, but being cold isnât cool.
Friend: Fuck. Thatâs great, man.
Tall man: Well, there are two perceptions of cool. What people think is cool, and what is cool for you. Me for example: Iâm actually a massive dork. But I love being a massive dork, so it kind of works for me. But people who donât know me see me and think, "That guy is so tall. He must be cool."But yeah, you must be. Tall people are the shit.
Nah, itâs just a thing. I just woke up one morning and was like "Woah, growth spurt." Then I was mad tall. But donât talk to me about cool, because Iâm not! Go and find Skepta, heâs the epitome of cool. Despite having the biggest Fifa playing, YouTube video-making dork brother, heâs really cool. If youâre doing something you love, youâre cool.What about a man rampantly pushing a trolley around a supermarket and loving it, is he cool?
I donât know whether thatâs cool, or psychotic. Why would you do that?Heâs obsessed with Supermarket Sweep.
Oh, then yes. Very cool man.
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Was that ever in doubt?I donât think so.
Lady with the pink hair: Dean Blunt is about to play, heâs cool.What other bands are cool?
DIIV were really good. Skepta was fucking cool, but the sound was shit. Weâre going to try and see Dean Blunt.Whatâs the cool thing to do when youâre watching a band though?
Just like stand, listen to them, start dancing if youâre into it. Maybe start break dancing? I donât know, Iâm not cool.But if youâre not cool and donât want to be cool, doesnât that make you cool?
That doesnât make sense. Why are you asking us if weâre cool?I thought you looked on-trend and could explain to me how to be cool in this new and daring age of modernity.
No, you know what, Iâm sick of this mentality. Everyone says âyouâre a hipster!â Iâm not a fucking hipster! I just know what I want to fucking wear and I fucking wear it, and I know what I want to fucking do and I fucking do it. Nobodyâs trying to be fucking cool, just be who you are! Who fucking cares, man? Friend in hood: I think this is exactly what they wanted. Lady with the pink hair: I donât give a fuck, Iâm fucked.Where can I find cool then at Field Day?
Shoved up your fucking arse.OK, I think I've got it.You can find Oobah Butler on Twitter.