Ok, so it's Monday night in Denmark and if you're a sensible girl you're probably sitting on your couch in some weird pair of sweatpants you've had forever, watching full seasons of Friends or Girls or whatever. But what else are you doing? You're flicking through Tinder, and are probably feeling a delightful combination of repulsion/boredom/confusion/concern. On the bright side, you get to whip out those x-ray analysis skills you've finetuned over years of filtering through dudes who suck and hit on you… and voila! You'll have reached a profound realization: bros on Tinder in Denmark are alike - so much so that you could easily group them into a few specific categories.

Upon careful inspection, five dominant species of bro stand out on Tinder in Denmark. These species of bros employ specific tactics (unique per group/tribe, of course) in hopes of luring all the girls out there bingewatching tv series in sweatpants into their lairs of seduction. Behold, here are the top five tinder bros in Denmark.

This is the bro who obviously assumes that the key to your heart (aka pants) lies in tapping into what he believes is your main God-given instinct: to breed and have babies ASAP. In his head, it's 'I'm a nice guy' meets 'You know our kids would look good': in your head, it's 'whose fucking child is that and WHY are they in your profile photo?'

This is Tinder, bro. Making googly eyes at some baby while conveniently flexing your non-muscle doesn't turn us on - it just makes us think you're paying child support or could very well have a crazy ex we don't want to deal with. Not cute.

Apparently Denmark has an ample supply of bros who are really into extreme water sports. The spirits of the Baltic and North Seas are majestically amplified to maximum effect through countless photos of dudes ripping around on water skis, surfing through ridiculous waves, speeding around on BIG FAST BOATS wearing little but a spray tan and hair gel, and just generally showcasing their herculean masculinity in something blue and wet.

Nothing against water sports here, but put away the wet suit for 2 seconds - you aren't in Hawaii anymore and sorry to say but you balancing on a surfboard doesn't convince us you'll be a God in bed.

Ladies, if you like a little mystery in your man, this is the Tinder Bro for you. Here, see the allure of the unknown in full effect - because you'll never, ever get to see his face in his profile. This bro lets his wannabe six-pack do all the talking: literally all of his photos are selfies with the head cut off or covered by something (is that a pair of shorts?), with a suspiciously cut torso assaulting your eyeballs one photo after the other.

Tinder bros, a word of advice: six packs are nice and all, but nobody's a floating torso. If we meet you IRL, the inevitable will happen… as in, the first thing we're going to see - waaaaaay before you've convinced us into seeing your naked body - is your face. So unless you're planning on blindfolding us, or are hoping that we'll just skip looking at you altogether and immediately bend our heads down to service your torso and lower body, do us a favor and show us your face from the getgo.

Admittedly Copenhagen specific, this is nevertheless a notable species of Tinder bro. For some reason, these bro's are all about posting tons of selfies in their profiles, but there's a twist: they're all blurry. There's the bro with the cropped head and faux hawk posing on a pillow, totally blurry. There's the Amager bro with a selfie so blurry you can only really make out the glisten of his cheap sunglasses and forehead sweat. There's also the Amager bro looking real serious with his 'crew', but you really have to squint if you want to make out more than the shine of a Northface jacket or the glisten of everyone's favourite emblem of true class, a Diesel belt.

Dear Amager Tinder bro: please step up your game. Use logic. We aren't going to swipe right because we have no idea what you look like. It's simple.

Perhaps the most prominent species of Tinder bro in Denmark of all, the 'I'm Wearing a Suit' bro balls so hard in his Tinder profile photo game he might as well be in a Bubba Sparxx music video. Ladies, fall into a life of poppin' bottles on yachts with this candidate: whether this bro's at a wedding, at home in front of a shitty mirror, with some more bros on a totally normal day in a totally normal setting, or in a Toyota, this Tinder bro's got your taste for the good life covered. Also, note the amount of purple silk and velvet going on, it's really funny.

So there you have it. Although the variety of bro on Tinder in Denmark is extensive and expansive - and sometimes, you might even stumble upon somebody who actually seems alright - the aforementioned groups are the creme de la creme you'll encounter. So ladies and gents, welcome to the weird and wonderful world of Tinder. Good luck.