VICE Guide to Voting - Who’s Better for Crush Porn Enthusiasts?

It’s nothing short of disgraceful that with all the power of the internet and three cable news networks covering the presidential race, no one is talking about how this election will affect voters known as “crush porn enthusiasts.” Yes, jobs are important and national security has its place, but which of the two candidates will best meet the needs of those pornography fans that can only get off by watching a woman step on something–whether that something is male genitalia or a small rodent that is sexily murdered underfoot?

Sure, President Obama signed the Animal Crush Video Prevention Act of 2010 into law. But he only did so after a rare instance of bipartisan cooperation in Congress. It seems like everyone is against the crush porn enthusiast. But non-convicted lovers of rodent smashing are still enfranchised voters. For whom should they cast their ballot?

Well, we’ve tallied up the evidence and the answer may surprise you.

ISSUE: ANIMAL RIGHTS

There’s no way to get around it. A big part of the crush porn formula is close-ups of lady feet causing mayhem. Sometimes by heels, sometimes barefoot, something’s getting mangled. And when that something isn’t a penis, it’s usually a small hamster or rodent of some sort. Oh, if you’re reading this, I’ll assume you’re into crush porn so I’ll give you a second to masturbate. All done? Cool. What I’m saying is: You can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs, and you can’t make crush porn without breaking some hamster backs.

Which candidate is less likely to be concerned with that? Well, in last Tuesday’s debate Governor Romney made clear that the death of a few animals is of no concern, especially when it’s in the service of our economy. Romney mocked the Obama administration for bringing a lawsuit over the death of “25 birds” caused by drilling on public land. Do you think he’s going to care about a pair of red leather heels popping the eyes out of just one gerbil? We’re talking about small businesses here. The murder of a small rodent shouldn’t impede the dreams of a potential job creator. Romney: 1 Obama: 0 ISSUE: PORN DISTRIBUTION ONLINE

Now as a pro-life candidate and someone who talks about God more often than crush porn fans are asked to leave Payless Shoes, you might think Mitt Romney would crack down hard on pornography distributed online. But let’s look at the facts. Of the two men running for president, which blamed the maker of an inflammatory film insulting Muslims for a terrorist attack on our consulate in Libya that had absolutely no connection with that film? Which man then stood before the United Nations and castigated that film for inciting a riot that absolutely never happened? If Barack Obama can say a racist propaganda vid caused the death a U.S. ambassador, imagine what he can blame on some footage of fishnets covered in mouse blood?

Most peddlers of smut porn just might feel safer with a man like that out of the White House, and that means more crush porn for you, the consumer! Romney: 1 Obama: 0

ISSUE: TOLERANCE FOR DECEPTION

As all of you hardcore crush porn fans must know, enjoying this sinful exploit requires a suspension of disbelief. You see, even though one assumes that there are an endless array of women willing to answer Craigslist ads requiring them to make torture porn from the knee down, sometimes a man will have to do in a pinch. After all, a close shave and a pair of dark pantyhose allow an ambitious entrepreneur to increase his profit by cutting overhead. Men constitute a cheaper labor pool in this industry. Oh, I’m sorry. Did I ruin it for you? A man stepping on a hamster until it’s a mess of blood and fur, what’s sexy about that?

But like I said you probably already accepted the cold reality that sometimes you’re being lied to. Maybe you’ve even come to enjoy that degree of deception. So which candidate is better suited to pull the wool over your eyes in the way you’ve become accustomed?

Here we have a tie. Mitt Romney was a pro-choice purveyor of semi-socialized medicine when he was Governor of Massachusetts. Now he stands before you as the staunch anti-abortion defender of free enterprise healthcare. Meanwhile, Barack Obama ran on a pledge of transparency and the promise to shut down Guantanamo Bay. Four years later, Gitmo remains and now we have the National Defense Authorization Act, a delightful law that empowers the Federal Government to imprison Americans on American soil indefinitely without trial based on an ill-defined concept of abetting terrorism. The point is: If crush porn has conditioned you to relishing the exact opposite of what you’re looking for, either gentleman will do nicely in this category. Romney: .5 Obama: .5

TOTAL CRUSH PORN RATING

ROMNEY:     2.5
OBAMA:          .5               

There you go. Despite all conventional wisdom, it seems the crush porn aficionado's best choice is the Mormon from Massachusetts.