NEW YORK – NBA Commissioner Adam Silver inaugurates the first-ever NBA Flop Challenge at this year’s NBA All-Star Saturday at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn. The event features six of the preeminent floppers from around the league. Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, and Chris Bosh represent the Heat, while J. R. Smith, Reggie Evans, and Manu Ginobili represent the Knicks, Kings, and Spurs, respectively. The competition consists of a single round with each contestant given one chance to flop. Props are encouraged. The competition will be judged by an esteemed panel selected for their expertise in the art of flopping: Vlade Divac, Tonya Harding, and recording artist Drake. The winner will receive a $15,000 gift certificate to Guitar Palace, which they’ll donate to the charity of their choice.
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Flop 2: DWYANE WADE [assisted by Chris Bosh][Wade brings out the still-bloodied Chris Bosh and positions him just under the free-throw line. Bosh slaps the floor twice, shouts, and gets into a defensive stance. Wade starts dribbling toward Bosh, tries to eurostep around him, but Bosh swipes at the ball, hitting Wade in the face.]DRAKE:Oh, wow, he actually fouled him![Wade is sent sprawling toward the baseline. Just before he hits the ground, invisible wires under his jersey lift him above the court. He glides around the stadium, strips naked, and starts doing somersaults. Pat Riley opens fire on him with a T-shirt cannon. Before Riley can hit him, Wade is lifted into the rafters feetfirst and now apparently unconscious. Bosh runs around the court collecting the T-shirts.]DRAKE: D. Wade told me to tell you guys Jesus Christ is our lord and savior.VLADE: His face look like pregnant frog.TONYA: Lutz, double lutz, toe loop, triple axel… Oksana… Oksana… [barf noise]Flop 3: MANU GINOBILI [assisted by Gregg Popovich and Pitbull][Manu is pushed out onto the court in a wheelchair by his coach, Gregg Popovich, who is dressed in a Darth Vader costume. Manu’s arms and legs are all in casts, unsigned. Beneath the basket is Pitbull, wearing a Russell Westbrook jersey, standing with his arms down at his sides. Popovich rolls Manu up the court toward Pitbull, gathering enough speed that by the time he reaches the free throw line he lets go, and allows Manu to fly forward in his chair, straight into Pitbull, who is mic’d up into the PA system. Upon impact, he utters “Dah” so loud it shakes the room, shatters the backboard, slicing Manu’s skin into ribbons underneath it. Manu, in his chair and casts, manages to fall out face-first onto the court, hitting so hard at full dead weight he knocks himself out and can’t stand up. Danny Green comes on court and bricks two free throws in his stead.]
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Flop 6: LEBRON JAMES [assisted by Barack Obama][The lights in the arena go down low. Beer vendors wearing white frocks emerge along the aisles bearing candelabras. An announcement is made for the spectators to reach under their seats and find the Miami Heat–colored Bible that has been placed their for their participation. Barack Obama walks onto the court in a pink spotlight, wearing a priest’s garb. He motions for the house to quiet down.]DRAKE: [whispering] This is intense.TONYA: [makes a barf noise][Obama raises up his arms. From out of the darkness, a procession of seven referees emerges carrying a bone-white casket lined with gold. They carry the casket out into the paint and set it down before Obama, moving back to the baseline with their heads bowed and whistles in their mouths.]OBAMA: It is a sad day for the NBA, my friends. Our mutual friend LeBron James has passed away in his sleep. He dreamed so hard of coming out to flop for you, but his human body could not contain his will.[Drake is sobbing. Divac claps with both hands loud, then realizes he’s the only one and stops. Harding is text-messaging.][The casket is opened, revealing LeBron James’s body, draped in swaddling cloth like a mummy. His black headband has been replaced with a crown of thorns formed from hundreds of Nike swooshes. He is holding a basketball. A close-up of his face is on every jumbotron. The crowd is silent. Together, the referees all raise their arms. They blow their whistles in unison and slowly pantomime the charge-calling signal, aiming their hands in all directions, at the audience, the world.]
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