The Most Depressing Things in the Democratic Party Platform

Last week I went over the Republican Party platform and made fun of some of the craziest bits. There were a lot to choose from, because portions of that thing were clearly written by ultra-conservative Christians and conspiracy theorists. But it would be unfair to point and laugh at the GOP’s policies and beliefs and then ignore the Democrats’ platform, so last night I went through it searching for similar wackiness. (The full platform can be found here.)  The problem is, the Democrats aren’t as crazy as the Republicans. Maybe that’s my blue-state bias talking, maybe that’s because I feel like it’s obvious that gay marriage and abortion should be legal, but whatever the reason, I didn’t find as much to mock in their platform.

The most notable stuff in the 59-page document is what isn’t there. As conservative bloggers have pointed out, the word “God” doesn’t appear anywhere in the platform, which is proof, I assume, that the Democrats hate Christianity or something. On the other hand, when the man upstairs gets involved in public policy, the positions he turns out to be in favor of are stuff like, “Commit genocide against the Canaanites” and “Wander around the desert for 40 years.” So maybe it’s a good thing he wasn’t consulted when the Democrat bigwigs got together to write this thing.

What’s more of a bummer is that the word “marijuana” doesn’t appear on the platform at all, despite more and more Americans being in favor of it being legalized, and despite numerous states putting legalization on the ballot. You'd think it would be something to mention, at least, even if all the platform said was, “The issue of marijuana legalization deserves more study and consideration, as do questions of how to best tax and regulate it should it ever become legal,” or some dodgy bullshit like that. Instead, the platform just follows Obama’s longstanding policy of pretending that marijuana doesn’t exist and that people aren’t getting arrested and being thrown in jail for smoking, producing, and selling it. If the Democrats actually said what their policy on marijuana is—the War on Drugs is fine and dandy and we’re OK with putting smokers in jail—they would alienate a lot of young voters, so they’ll just keep their mouths shut. (Making videos where Kal Penn is high, LOL, is fine though.)

Another topic the platform dodges is civil liberties. Back in 2008 Democrats were up on their high horse about how torture is always wrong and secret prisons are evil and so on, but now… nothing. Adam Sewer at Mother Jones is smarter than me so just go read his piece on the subject. The upshot is that while the platform is all about making the lives of middle-class Americans better through government action, the government can also tap your phone and spy on you and make sure you’re not doing anything bad. The platform doesn’t mention the Transportation Security Administration and its invasive, sometimes humiliating airport security measures at all either, while even the GOP says those procedures need to be changed. (OK, since it’s the Republicans, the “change” in question is privatizing the system, but still.)

So what’s in the platform? A lot of stuff that the Democrats wished was different, basically. It gets depressing real fast, because there is so much terrible shit going on that they can’t really do anything about, but wish they could.  A sampling:

We are committed to ensuring that every child in America has access to a world-class public education […] This requires excellence at every level of our education system.

“The United States' failure to educate its students leaves them unprepared to compete and threatens the country's ability to thrive in a global economy.” Sigh.

We support allowing the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest to expire.

Yeah, you do. This has not been working out though.

We can move towards a sustainable energy-independent future if we harness all of America’s great natural resources.

Fun fact: Both the Democrats and Republicans have an “all of the above” energy policy. They even use those exact words! So at least they agree that all things that make energy are good.

We oppose the attacks on collective bargaining that Republican governors and state legislatures are mounting in states around the country.

Again: Yeah, you do. [This has not been working out](http:// http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-57447954-503544/scott-walker-wins-wisconsin-recall-election/).

The President put in place government reform that has led to the most open, efficient and accountable government in history.

OK, time to admit that there are actual parts in this platform that are as bad as anything in the GOP’s. Open? Accountable? What about Obama’s [assertion of executive privilege](http:// http://www.propublica.org/article/the-facts-behind-obamas-executive-privilege-claim)? Or the administration’s habit of prosecuting whistleblowers while themselves leaking anything they like?

Because the traumas of war don’t always end when our loved ones return home, this administration is continuing to work to meet the mental health needs of our vetertans.

“Continuing to work” is weasel-speak for “we’re fucking the pooch on this one.”

We support the full repeal of the so-called Defense of Marriage Act and the passage of the Respect for Marriage Act.

This doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but nicknames for laws and bills have been getting more and more oblique, to the point where if you didn’t know what these acts were, you’d have no way of knowing what the fuck is going on with this sentence. If we ever pass a law declaring all Americans shall be put to death, it’ll be called the Hey Let’s All Go out for Ice Cream Act.

We must make ending poverty a national priority.

Put that on the list of priorities with making our education better, our energy cleaner, care for our veterans better, and modernizing labor laws without destroying unions, I guess. Fuck, you guys.

We will end the dangerous cycle of violence, especially youth violence, by continuing to invest in proven community-based law enforcement programs.

Maybe end the War on Drugs?

We understand the disproportionate effects of crime, violence, and incarceration on communities of color and are committed to working with those communities to find solutions.

Hey! Hey guys! How about ending the War on Drugs?

We know that global climate change is one of the biggest threats of this generation.

Put that on the list, along with the stuff about poverty and education. Shit.

The President and the Democratic Party have steadily worked to build an international framework to combat climate change.

Whoops.

We are committed to an unrelenting pursuit of those who would kill Americans or threaten our homeland.

Just a reminder that we’re using robot planes to kill people who don’t like us. This is what I mean by “this platform is depressing.”

The President has led a global effort to secure all loose materials around the world.

I forgot about all that loose nuclear material. FUCK. Put that on the list of problems too.

A just and lasting Israeli-Palestinian accord, producing two states for two peoples, would contribute to regional stability and help sustain Israel’s identity as a Jewish and democratic state.

No list of terrible things going on in the world would be complete without mentioning Israel. A two-state solution, by the way, is not going to happen.

We are substantially reducing the population at Guantánamo Bay without adding to it. And we remain committed to working with all branches of government to close the prison altogether because it is inconsistent with our national security interests and our values.

Back in 2008, Obama said he would close the prison. Now he’s going to “work on it.”

While Europe remains a significant risk to the global economy…

Oh, Jesus. We haven’t even gotten to the parts about how fucked Europe is, or what China’s doing, or what Russia’s doing… Man, living in the real world is tough, huh?

@HCheadle

UPDATE: Turns out God made the party platform after all. Language about Americans' "God-given" potential was dropped back into the platform, as was a bit about Jerusalem being the capital of Israel. The Washington Postreports that they took a "voice vote" on the changes (people yell "aye" or "nay"), and even though it was close—some on Twitter are saying the delegates definitely opposed the changes by a wide margin—Antonio Villaraigosa, the Convention Chairman was like, "That settles it, God and Jerusalem are back." The silver lining is that a bunch of Democrats booed God at the DNC.

For more political coverage that will bum you out, check out:

The Silliest, Most Terrifying Things in the Republican Platform

Make Politics Stop, Please 

The Republican Party of Texas Hates Everything