All photos: Eabha Fitzpatrick
If, like me, you revel in the bad rep your sign gets, or have ever got a Little Book of the Zodiac in your Christmas stocking, you probably have Co-Star downloaded on your phone. (I’m a Scorpio, or as many fans of astrology may describe me, an awful person.)The algorithm-based astrology app has a following of over five million users and uses a combination of NASA data, professional astrologers and your exact birth chart to provide users with highly personalised daily horoscopes. This includes a list of three dos and don’ts for the day, a short piece of daily advice, recommendations of friends on Co-Star to avoid or meet up with, and long-term words of wisdom for the upcoming months. My dad would describe my sustained use of the app for the last two years as an inevitable consequence of my decision to do an arts degree, but that’s probably because he’s an Aries (ugh). Realistically, there’s something quite comforting about putting your faith in the stars when the entire world seems to be going to shit. Having said this, Co-Star’s daily suggestions show an inclination towards the deranged (what do you mean, “do: tinfoil hats, don’t: bells and whistles”?!?) For your entertainment and my own humiliation, I decided to see if following Co-Star’s advice for a week really leads to a more spiritually enlightened life. Connecting with my inner child by visiting a playground must suffice for now. An obstacle that the planets did not predict: It’s pissing it down. The sodden playground we visit looks more like a venue for underage drinking and pretending to smoke your first cig than a prime opportunity to connect with my inner child. But we move: The stars have spoken and I must respond. In hindsight, the barren park was a blessing; nobody wants to watch a 21-year-old attempt to enjoy the monkey bars. After a while, my Bambi-on-ice self-consciousness melted away. Spinning until I nearly threw up on a plastic bowl released a child-like unhinged glee I didn’t know was there.Day 2: ‘Try to get a reaction’This feeling was swiftly crushed just two hours into my work shift by someone’s dad trying to be funny: “Nice t-shirt, I bet you only know ‘A Message to You Rudy’.” Unfortunately, freelance writing has not propelled me to a Carrie Bradshaw level of success quite yet, and I will still trade my dignity for a tip. Despite the overwhelming urge to tell him to go and fuck himself, I opted for the safer: “Thank you sir! I really like their music, actually. How is the food for everyone?” Arriving home too angry to continue with permutations, I decorate my clinically bare wall with some posters before heading out. This was possibly the only thing which felt even close to spiritual today.Day 3: ‘Be as Honest as Possible’Unsurprisingly, I woke up in my flat with the fear, two minutes before my first lecture – except now my place smelled like a run-down pub (if you spilled Prazsky on my sofa last Wednesday, this is your cue to own up).What would usually be a brisk and deceitful email explaining that “I can’t make today’s lecture because [insert minor ailment here]” has now been forbidden. I explained to the lecturer that my absence was not due to COVID symptoms, but a violent hangover and instructions from an app to “avoid PowerPoints”. I am yet to hear a response.Day 4: ‘Are You Staying Well Within Your Groove?’Day 5: ‘Be Vocal’Again, the stars have been painfully clear. Sticking with the theme of the week, I took to Grafton Street – Ireland’s busiest shopping area – with a horoscope-themed personal ad in a feeble attempt to find love.After some puzzled looks and strangers filming me for the enjoyment of their private Snapchat story, I realised that I was not getting the passionate response I was after. Hard evidence that Scorpios really are the most hated sign. This experience was nothing short of degrading. Day 6: ‘Are You Looking for Abstraction?’Day 7: ‘Try a Longer Term Perspective’
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Day 1: ‘Face your past’
- DO: Playgrounds, Somersaults, B-Sides
- DON’T: Rulers, Old Sweater, Bad Habits
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- DO: Redecorating, Permutations, New Wave
- DON’T: Stereotypes, Underestimation, Margins
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- DO: Redecorating, Permutations, New Wave
- DON’T: Glossaries, Forums, PowerPoints
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- DO: Comfort Food, Hot Shower, Movie Night
- DON’T: Howling, Self-Sabotage, Expect The Worst
- DO: Announcements, Personal Ads, Sunscreen
- DON’T: Targeted Ads, Accusations, Spam
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- DO: Strangers, Warm Beverages, Cartwheels
- DON’T: Excuses, Showing up late, unfollowing
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- DO: Multiple Choice, Lava Lamps, Telephone
- DON’T: Scrolling, Limericks, Sceptics Corner
- Conspire with Elena