Oh Shit Australia, There's No Game of Thrones Tonight

So it’s Monday and the only thing getting Australia through the reality of another work week is that we can go home and watch someone get disembowelled while receiving oral sex from a topless dragon riding a horse into battle. If you’re one of the millions of Game of Thrones fans you have great taste in TV and are in for a terrible night, because everyone’s favourite game of boners isn’t on.

Don’t panic or attempt to communicate with your loved ones, we have an emergency procedure to make sure you can enjoy your bespoke couch groove all evening long. Here is approximately 55-minutes of content involving inhospitable places, giants, and some truelly tasteful, story enhancing topless scenes.

Nest of Giants 

Before he was burning his brother’s face and cutting up slaves, Game of Thrones’ resident giant The Mountain was one of Iceland’s favourite strongmen. We met Hafthor "Thor" Bjornsson while investigating the tiny country’s dominance of the World's Strongest Man competition. Sure he was more into getting a tattoo of his daughter than stomping on villages, but the dude is 6’9 so we’re not going to split hairs.

Obeah Magic
For a show that is supposed to include zombies, and magic, and mystical potions than allow you to blast smoke demons out of your vagina, Game of Thrones is pretty stingy on the mystical offerings. To provide you with your weekly kind-of-weird-kind-of-awesome-secretly-terrifying emotional rollercoaster, check out Obeah Magic Man. Obeah is a Caribbean practice of folk magic, occult, and Christianity; although it’s more widely practiced than the infamous voodoo it’s practitioners are routinely targeted and even murdered. Also from what we can tell, they’re way less annoying than the Red Woman.

An Inside Look at America's Exotic Animal Trade
During Season One, every time they showed the skull of one of the long extinct dragons we chuckled. It was like looking 500-years into the past, stupid people them no understand dinosaurs was alive in the olden days. Maybe if the Targaryens weren't so busy inbreeding they’re have the frontal lobe development to consider that dragons aren’t mythical, but rather an extinct species waiting to be cloned by Steven Spielberg. That was until Daenerys emerged from the flames with her pets and we were all, “shit watch out for that chick!” We don’t have any dragons for you, but we do have a bunch of other ill-advised pets that will eventually rip the face off anyone foolish enough to own them.

Shot By Kern: Paris
Okay we know what you’re thinking: My brain and sense of wonder has been satisfied, but what about my carnal desires? We hear you, and aren’t so naive to think you watch Game of Thrones for the action and excellent character progression. So here is some Shot By Kern to clear your Monday night boob quota.